I Am Broke. But I Am Fine

  When I was younger I thought having lots of friends and being invited to social events were the shit. So, I made sure to always be the type of person who gets invited to stuff and also that I was always surrounded by people. Before high school was over I found myself unhappy and hopeless. Little did I know that this feeling would perpetuate 'til adulthood, for different reasons but still. Back then, I thought I knew who I was and part of me was right, I had created a character to help me bear all the crap I had to deal with back home. For a while it helped me. I was popular, always in style, went everywhere and people wanted to be seen talking to me. However, when you're in the spotlight two things might happen, you may be dragged down by people or by yourself.

In my case, I did it.

  In my senior year I decided to invest my efforts on one friend only so I could develop true friendship.  And then, a few years later she got "married" and everything changed for the worse. This huge wall of separation was built between us and I asked myself why for a very long time. I’ve tried to bring the wall down and understand her reasons but she never let me in again, not like she used to in High School. That was a very important moment in my life because I had to learn how to be on my own, again.

  When I got back from NYC in 2013, I got close to another girl who at the time I didn’t know had the same interests in life as me. We knew each other from a course we attended together but we never really took anything further until then. A couple of years later, 5 years to be exact, I considered her to be THE best friend one could ever ask for, but she left too. Again, one of the pillars that held me together had been destroyed and I didn’t know how to deal with it until recently.

  I’m not saying “Poor me, why do people keep doing this to me?” I’m not about that. I probably have my fair share of blame in both cases, for sure. Either because I was an asshole to them or because I invest on people who aren’t worth investing your time on. However, the elephant in the room must be addressed and that is: People leave! Regardless of how much you love and cherish them. Let’s face it, the world doesn’t revolve around ourselves and in my case I came to know a few months ago that the first friend from High School, felt less than me, she felt unworthy of my friendship and she also thought I had better things to do with better people. That’s why she thought it was best to just be apart and keep cheering me from the background.

  What does that information give me? It simply says that people leave for their own reasons, their own insecurities and sometimes those things have nothing to do with you or the relationship you had with the person whatsoever. But it also says something very interesting, it shows a potential flaw. Perhaps my inability to make people feel welcomed and wanted drove them away. It could be that and if it is the case we have to go back to the point I’ve just made. People leave because they have their own shit to get together. A simple conversation would squash all this drama away IF that was the case. We have the right to know when someone (we care about) has something negative to say about us.

  Once a friend told me we have to be sufficiently empathetic towards people to predict when we might have been offensive to them. I don’t agree with that for one simple reason. I  AM NOT A FUCKING MIND READER! And it goes both ways, if I have unfinished business with you be utterly sure I’ll bring it to your face unless you don’t mean anything to me. In that case, why bother? Considering that I haven’t said anything (I know) that might offend you or the people you like why on earth would someone (I care about) hold anything against me? It was an honest mistake after all. But as I said, maybe I’m not as valuable to those friends as I thought I was.

  Closure feels nice and shit but often times we don’t get to have it. I feel broke whenever people decide (by themselves) to part ways without letting me know why but it is fine. Again, I can’t control what people think about me, let alone predict how they feel about me. That’s on them. I’d be open to a conversation as I was with the first friend I told you about. Maybe (and probably) our separation was due to some emotional problem that had little to nothing to do with me. But in the second case I have no idea what might have happened and I’ve made my opinion crystal clear to her that I wasn’t creating this hole between us but she decided to go anyway. Funny thing is, I’ve seen her do the same thing to a former friend of hers and I never questioned because I never thought it’d happened to me too.

 

  I’ve gotten used to the fact that sometimes we don’t get to have closure, especially when you weren’t the one who came up with the issue in the first place but at the same time it hurts, it eats you alive in the worst way possible. You repeatedly ask yourself why. You blame yourself. You cry at everything that reminds you of the person (and that goes for both romantic and non-romantic relationships). Without a definite answer or at least one that comforts your soul. All we can do is pick up the pieces left and move on.

  Hopefully the next friend/partner you find will do right by you, by your standards of right, of course. And that’s why I say I’m fine, I don’t have any other option left. Life still goes on and if I don’t get on with it I’ll be consumed by it. Just like being surrounded by people in high school didn’t make me feel loved, investing my time on one person didn’t do it for me as well. I’ll just keep working on building truthful and reliable relationships with people and making sure we’re on the same page. Never expecting nor letting those people define who I am, because if they happen to leave me I’d never feel lost ever again.