Finally 29

  I never really cared about growing old actually it was always something exciting for me. However this past year I understood something really hard about that. I realized that as I grow older I'm gonna start loosing the people that I love, Pets, Family member, Friends, Acquaintances and People I have some contact with. 

  I've always knew these things would eventually happen but now I understand that time is one factor that will somehow determine how much time I still have got with some people. Not necessarily though. 

  This year loosing Scott (My Cat) then loosing my grandfather to cancer, then loosing Lisa (My Kitten) and lastly my beloved grandmother.  It was too much death to deal with. It was and still is very hard to process all these losses. I'm trying to do my best. For me. For my Pets. For my family.  For my friends and people who really love me and everything I mean for them. I've got a lot of reason to trying to stay strong and being as resilient as possible. Some days I succeed and some days I just break down and cry. 

  I learned a lot of things by now. I've learned to stand up for myself whenever necessary.  Also, to never believe anyone without getting all the facts checked out. I learned that some people even with good intentions might hurt me if I let them get too close. To intimate. Also, the less you open up about your life the happier and calmer you'll feel. The last thing I definitely think defines this while cycle for me is cutting off anyone or anything that's toxic for me. Protecting, shielding myself from weird looks, unnecessary comments, lack of empathy and so on. These things have really shaped me into the person I am now. 

  Today I didn't want to celebrate my birthday but I also couldn't take away the right that other people have to celebrate my existance.  I couldn't be this selfish. So I picked myself up throughout the day. Being disappointed by some people. Trying to pay attention only to the ones who were in fact doing something to make me feel seen and appreciated.  

  My boyfriend was the only one to give me a gift ( he gave me an Alexa ) and it's not about that. It's about everything that he has done. Then he spend the afternoon listening to me talking about my losses, he saw me cry, he held me up. Then, he took me to dinner at a Japanese restaurant,  everything was perfect.  Just perfect. Fresh food, great service and peaceful ambiance.  Then, we came home and sang happy birthday with my babies in my apartment.  It was very special. 

  Things are different and perhaps this is how they should be anyways.  It just took me a while to make these changes. Of environments which are not serving me anymore.